I'm going to post a not-so-serious article today. Actually,
it's not an article, but a story I wrote! This is what I was assigned to write
my senior year of high school. Each person in my creative writing class had to
rewrite a fairy tale and turn it into a mystery. Some of the jokes in this make
NO sense unless you were a student in that class, and this is the first and
only mystery I've written since about eighth grade, but maybe you'll still find
this amusing and fun to read. So grab a hot cup of coffee (or tea, or whatever you
prefer) and enjoy!
The Three Bears and Goldilocks
(A Mixed-Up Fairy Tale Mystery)
It was late in the evening last Spring as I sat in my living
room with my cozy pink Snuggie wrapped around me, and a large cup of creamy
coffee in my hands. The day had been quite busy, as it always is in the now
modernized land of Narnia, yet insanely boring, so I had looked forward to a
peaceful evening to wind down and have the chance to watch an episode of The
Ancient Trail Show with my mute cat, Mr. Vanilla.
Just when the speaker was about to announce the value of a
wonderfully preserved statue of the legendary mouse Reepicheep... my telephone
rang. "Perfect," I sighed as I set down my mug and slid across the hardwood floor
on my fuzzy pink polka-dot socks toward the lamp stand to answer the call.
After saying hello, I heard the voice of my boss detective.
“Greetings,” he said in his deep voice. “This is Joe for
Goose, Grimm, & Poe Detectives and Agents Incorporation out of Care
Paravel; all rights reserved. Is this Miss Detective Bo Jangle?”
“Yes, sir,” I replied.
“A case has come up.” He sounded concerned. “I need you to
come to my office first thing in the morning.”
I listened carefully for further instruction.
“I'm sure you've heard of King Caspian's
great-granddaughter, Goldilocks Wirmelskirchen, also known as Goldi. You know
of her, right?”
“Yeah, she's that TV herbalist who advertises Menletts.” I
replied.
“Menletts?” He sounded confused.
“Yeah, you know, those new yellow workout pants with a
built-in step counter.”
“Oh, I guess I never heard of those before.”
“They're the newest thing,” I told him.
Joe cleared his throat and changed the subject. “Well, we're
getting off topic here, Bo. Let's discuss the case at hand.”
“Shoot,” I said, ready to hear what his plans were.
“What did you say?”
“Oh, I meant go ahead.”
“Oh.” He cleared his throat again. “Anyway, so here's the
problem: Goldi called my office this afternoon and told me that she had
finished her new commercial earlier this week, and decided she needed to take a
rest. So she went to the forest of Care Paravel where she's got a vacation
house – she always goes there when she's had a tough week at work. But when she
got there this morning, she noticed that the front door was opened.”
“Opened?” I was surprised. “But she always keeps her doors
locked. That's even one of her mottoes: 'Always Keep Your Doors Locked In Case
of Nasty, Vicious Herb Thieves.' I don't understand why her door would've been
opened.”
“I know,” Joe sighed. We don't understand it either. But
maybe it wasn't left unlocked, and was instead broken into.”
“That's a wonderful observation.”
“Yes. But furthermore, when Goldi reluctantly walked into
the cottage, she found three of her best flour bowls on the table, filled with
hot blackberry porridge, and the wood in the stove was still burning. She even
found that her chairs had been sat in.”
“Three bowls? Now that is very odd. What did they look like,
and how were they arranged on the table?”
“What? I don't know, Bo! It's your job to find those things
out.”
I shrugged my shoulders and looked over at Mr. Vanilla. He
jumped up onto my lap and meowed. I patted his fluffy head and he purred.
Joe told me once again to be in his office first thing in
the morning. “Over and out,” he said in a professional sounding voice.
I got up with Mr. Vanilla in my arms and slid back over to
my easy chair to finish watching the show. As soon as I sat down, the credits
rolled on the TV.
“Foot! I missed it.” I looked down at Mr. Vanilla and
sighed. “I wanted to know how much that mouse statue was worth. Well, so much
for that.” I picked up my oversized remote control and clicked off the TV.
There wasn't anything else interesting I wanted to see, so I decided I may as
well go to bed so I could get an early start the next day.
The following morning, after I had my regular early-morning
dose of coffee and was finally my normal self, I began getting ready to go to
Detective Joe's office to begin unfolding my new assigned case. I pulled into
the parking lot at Goose, Grimm, and Poe Detectives and Agents Inc. at ten
o'clock. When I arrived in Detective Joe's office, he immediately accused me of
being late.
“I told you to be here first thing this morning.”
“Well, sir, I know that,” I answered. “And this was the
first thing I did this morning, except for getting dressed and drinking a cup
of coffee.”
He sighed and shook his head. “Oh, fine.” Sitting
comfortably behind his desk in a rather large swivel chair, he smiled. Leaning
forward and putting his fingertips together, he began giving me instructions.
“I've arranged for you to meet with Goldi at her cottage as
soon as possible. She's probably waiting on you now. Go there and get her side
of the story, then investigate the crime scene.”
“Crime scene?” I asked, puzzled. This was just about a door
being left open, as far as I knew.
“There's more,” he told me. “I told you about the bowls of
porridge and stove and her chairs. Well, she's found something missing.”
I leaned closer, anxiously waiting to hear what had been
taken.
In almost a whisper, Detective Joe said, “Nuts.”
I blinked hard. “Nuts?” I repeated, flabbergasted. “How does
she know?”
“She always keeps a stash of nuts in her pantry. When she
went to get some yesterday morning, they were missing.”
I shook my head in disbelief. Was this all it was about? I
was used to getting bigger cases, like wrecks, car robberies, and the like.
“Are you serious?” I cried. “Why couldn't you have given
this so-called 'case' to an amateur detective? Why me?”
“Because you're a pro, and you can figure this one out in a
flash. We may need you soon to cover another case.”
I nodded my head. “Okay. I'll do my best. Is there anything
else I need to know before I head to the cottage?”
“No, I suppose that is all,” he replied. “Just ask Goldi all
you need to know, and she'll give you all the information she has.”
He handed me some papers and I headed out the door. When I
arrived at the cottage I saw a young woman with long, beautiful golden hair
standing outside. I got out of my car and greeted her nicely. She looked very
nervous and her voice was shaky.
“Hello,” she said, trying to sound cheerful.
I smiled. “Miss Goldi, my name is Bo Jangle, and I'm here to
investgate your case.” I then tried to reassure her. “Please don't worry;
everything is going to be alright.”
She nodded and sighed. “I know I shouldn't be anxzious. I've
just never had my house broken into before.”
“Well, let's get started. I'll need to ask you a few
questions before I begin my search.” I reached into my pocket for a pen. “First
off, I need to know what time you arrived here yesterday morning.”
“It was about eight o'clock,” she answered.
“And you saw that the door was ajar?”
“Yes. I was carrying in my bag and had the house key in my
hand, and when I got to the door, it wasn't closed, and looked like it had been
forced open.”
I took note of that, and then asked if she had noticed
anything else out of place in the house.
“The three flour bowls were on the table, the wood stove was
hot, and my chairs had been sat in.”
“How could you tell?”
“The pillows were squished,” she replied matter-of-factly.
“I never squish my pillows.”
“Okay,” I said, “Let's take a look inside.” I looked at my
watch and sighed. This better not take very long, I thought to myself.
Once in the cottage, I took a look at the door – obviously
there had been someone break in recently. The table still displayed three
rather large bowls full of blackberry porridge, now quite cold. I examined the
chairs in the small living room – yes, someone had definitely squished the
pillows. With a magnifying glass, I searched high and low for evidence of a
robber – hair, cloth, etc. It was pretty easy, for after just a few moments, I
found a chunk of coarse, brown hair stuck to the corner of one of the chair
arms.
“Looks like bear hair,” I observed aloud. “Do you know any
bears who live around here?” I asked. (Being in Narnia, this wasn't such a
strange question to ask.)
“No, I don't. I've never met any around here, I mean. But
perhaps...”
“Perhaps what?”
“Wh—wh-- what if it was a wild bear?” She was getting
nervous again.
I tried to calm her. “Nonsense. Most bears in Care Paravel
are tame. Have you ever encountered a wild bear?”
She shook her head.
“That's what I thought,” I said. “Now, let's take a look at
that pantry.” I got up and she led me to the back of the kitchen to an open
closet lined with shelves. I had been expecting a large pantry with a big door
that had been practically ripped off by a mad grizzly. I chuckled at the sight
of such a small excuse of a pantry.
“Are you sure you didn't throw your nuts out before you left
the last time?”
“I never throw out nuts,” she said, shaking her head, her
eyes wide.
“Okay. So what kind of nuts were they? Some kind of special
nuts, like coconuts?”
“Oh, very special. No, not coconuts. They were cashews.
They're very low in carbs, and I've been on this very special low-carb diet. I
can't go one day without my cashews.”
I looked at her strangely and nodded my head. “Uh-huh,
cashews. Um, okay. Tell you what: how about you just go to the store for
another lock to your door, and you can get another container of cashews while
you're in town.”
“But what if the thief comes back? They may want their cold
porridge.”
“Who wants cold porridge that's been sitting out for at least
two days? It's sure to be getting moldy by now.”
I began walking outside, getting ready to leave. I was even
willing to pay for her doorknob and nuts if she'd just calm down and let me
dismiss the case. But suddenly I heard something like a stick in the woods go
snap!
“What was that?” I gasped, sneaking toward a pile of brush.
Just then, three bears looked out over a big bush. Their
expressions showed they were just as surprised as me to see someone standing
right in front of them.
“Who are you?” I asked.
The big bear spoke. “I'm Pa Bear, and this is Ma and Teddy.”
He motioned his big paw at them as he introduced his family.
“We didn't know anybody lived here,” said Ma. “I hope we
didn't disturb anything.”
I raised an eyebrow. “You did this? Is that your porridge
inside on the table?”
Ma nodded. “We came up here last week when there was a
thunderstorm. Our den was flooded, and we needed a dry place for Teddy to
sleep, and we found this empty cottage and went in for shelter. When we found
nobody was here, we just decided to stay. I'm sorry, but if there had been a
'No Tresspassing' sign, we woudn't have entered.”
“But why weren't you here when I came yesterday morning?”
Goldi asked them.
“I made some porridge, but it was too hot to eat just yet,
so we went outside to wash our paws while our breakfast cooled. Pa likes it
real hot, but me and little Teddy can't eat it that way.”
I had been taking notes the whole time the bear family
spoke. Everything they said seemed to make sense, and they just seemed so honest.
I was sure I could trust them. But then Goldi asked a question they could not
answer.
“Where are my cashews?”
Pa looked at Ma, and Ma looked at Pa. Teddy shrugged his
shoulders.
“I don't remember ever seeing any cashews. Are they
missing?”
Goldi put her hands on her hips. “Yes, they're missing. And
I'd really appreciate it if one of you would tell me what you did with them.”
Teddy looked at her, confused. “Well, everybody knows that
bears don't eat cashews.”
Goldi looked at me, dumbfounded. I grinned. “He's right,
Goldi,” I said. “Bears don't eat cashews.”
“Bless you!”
We all turned and looked at one another. “Who said that?” I
asked.
Just then, a squirrel leapt from a tree and landed on my
shoulder.
“Bless you,” he said in a hundred-mile-an-hour high-pitched
voice.
I jumped and he hopped to the ground and looked at us.
“Well, didn't somebody sneeze?” he asked.
Teddy shook his head. “No, she said 'cashews'.”
“Oh! Well, speaking of nuts, I must be going. I've got to go
bury mine for winter.” He turned around and began to hurry off into the woods.
“Wait!” I called.
He stopped abruptly. “Yes?”
“Did you say you've got nuts?”
He rolled his eyes and sighed quickly. “I'm a squirrel. Yes,
I've got nuts. Why do you ask?”
I looked at Goldi and answered the squirrel. “Are they by
any chance cashews?”
“Oh, yes! A whole bag full! I found them in – “ His big eyes
grew bigger as he realized what he was saying. “I'm in a predicament here,” he
said, looking at each one of us.
“You surely are,” replied Goldi, watching him closely.
In a flash the squirrel was up a tree. “I'll be back,” he
called as he scampered off.
We stood there,
waiting, but only for a moment. It wasn't long before he came back with a bag
nearly full with cashews. “Whose might these delicious treats belong to? You,
big bear? You, mother bear? You, baby bear? You – “
“They're mine,”
Goldi interrupted, holding out her hand.
Squirrel quickly
gave her the bag, and then apologized for taking them. “I didn't think anyone
lived here. If there had been a 'No Tresspassing' sign, I wouldn't have
entered.”
Goldi smiled.
“Well, I suppose I need to get a sign up.” She told the animals she appreciated
them not ruining her house. They promised to never again barge in when nobody
was there, now that they knew someone lived in the cottage.
She thanked me for
being so helpful, and I assured her it was my pleasure.
“All in a day's
work,” I said. I told them all good-bye, and turned to leave.
Smiling, I shook
my head and laughed. I love my job.
Have a blessed day!
~Courtney
