A Mixed-Up Fairy Tale

I'm going to post a not-so-serious article today. Actually, it's not an article, but a story I wrote! This is what I was assigned to write my senior year of high school. Each person in my creative writing class had to rewrite a fairy tale and turn it into a mystery. Some of the jokes in this make NO sense unless you were a student in that class, and this is the first and only mystery I've written since about eighth grade, but maybe you'll still find this amusing and fun to read. So grab a hot cup of coffee (or tea, or whatever you prefer) and enjoy!

The Three Bears and Goldilocks

(A Mixed-Up Fairy Tale Mystery)

It was late in the evening last Spring as I sat in my living room with my cozy pink Snuggie wrapped around me, and a large cup of creamy coffee in my hands. The day had been quite busy, as it always is in the now modernized land of Narnia, yet insanely boring, so I had looked forward to a peaceful evening to wind down and have the chance to watch an episode of The Ancient Trail Show with my mute cat, Mr. Vanilla.

Just when the speaker was about to announce the value of a wonderfully preserved statue of the legendary mouse Reepicheep... my telephone rang. "Perfect," I sighed as I set down my mug and slid across the hardwood floor on my fuzzy pink polka-dot socks toward the lamp stand to answer the call. After saying hello, I heard the voice of my boss detective.

“Greetings,” he said in his deep voice. “This is Joe for Goose, Grimm, & Poe Detectives and Agents Incorporation out of Care Paravel; all rights reserved. Is this Miss Detective Bo Jangle?”

“Yes, sir,” I replied.

“A case has come up.” He sounded concerned. “I need you to come to my office first thing in the morning.”

I listened carefully for further instruction.

“I'm sure you've heard of King Caspian's great-granddaughter, Goldilocks Wirmelskirchen, also known as Goldi. You know of her, right?”

“Yeah, she's that TV herbalist who advertises Menletts.” I replied.

“Menletts?” He sounded confused.

“Yeah, you know, those new yellow workout pants with a built-in step counter.”

“Oh, I guess I never heard of those before.”

“They're the newest thing,” I told him.

Joe cleared his throat and changed the subject. “Well, we're getting off topic here, Bo. Let's discuss the case at hand.”

“Shoot,” I said, ready to hear what his plans were.

“What did you say?”

“Oh, I meant go ahead.”

“Oh.” He cleared his throat again. “Anyway, so here's the problem: Goldi called my office this afternoon and told me that she had finished her new commercial earlier this week, and decided she needed to take a rest. So she went to the forest of Care Paravel where she's got a vacation house – she always goes there when she's had a tough week at work. But when she got there this morning, she noticed that the front door was opened.”

“Opened?” I was surprised. “But she always keeps her doors locked. That's even one of her mottoes: 'Always Keep Your Doors Locked In Case of Nasty, Vicious Herb Thieves.' I don't understand why her door would've been opened.”

“I know,” Joe sighed. We don't understand it either. But maybe it wasn't left unlocked, and was instead broken into.”

“That's a wonderful observation.”

“Yes. But furthermore, when Goldi reluctantly walked into the cottage, she found three of her best flour bowls on the table, filled with hot blackberry porridge, and the wood in the stove was still burning. She even found that her chairs had been sat in.”

“Three bowls? Now that is very odd. What did they look like, and how were they arranged on the table?”

“What? I don't know, Bo! It's your job to find those things out.”

I shrugged my shoulders and looked over at Mr. Vanilla. He jumped up onto my lap and meowed. I patted his fluffy head and he purred.

Joe told me once again to be in his office first thing in the morning. “Over and out,” he said in a professional sounding voice.

I got up with Mr. Vanilla in my arms and slid back over to my easy chair to finish watching the show. As soon as I sat down, the credits rolled on the TV.

“Foot! I missed it.” I looked down at Mr. Vanilla and sighed. “I wanted to know how much that mouse statue was worth. Well, so much for that.” I picked up my oversized remote control and clicked off the TV. There wasn't anything else interesting I wanted to see, so I decided I may as well go to bed so I could get an early start the next day.

The following morning, after I had my regular early-morning dose of coffee and was finally my normal self, I began getting ready to go to Detective Joe's office to begin unfolding my new assigned case. I pulled into the parking lot at Goose, Grimm, and Poe Detectives and Agents Inc. at ten o'clock. When I arrived in Detective Joe's office, he immediately accused me of being late.

“I told you to be here first thing this morning.”

“Well, sir, I know that,” I answered. “And this was the first thing I did this morning, except for getting dressed and drinking a cup of coffee.”

He sighed and shook his head. “Oh, fine.” Sitting comfortably behind his desk in a rather large swivel chair, he smiled. Leaning forward and putting his fingertips together, he began giving me instructions.

“I've arranged for you to meet with Goldi at her cottage as soon as possible. She's probably waiting on you now. Go there and get her side of the story, then investigate the crime scene.”

“Crime scene?” I asked, puzzled. This was just about a door being left open, as far as I knew.

“There's more,” he told me. “I told you about the bowls of porridge and stove and her chairs. Well, she's found something missing.”

I leaned closer, anxiously waiting to hear what had been taken.

In almost a whisper, Detective Joe said, “Nuts.”

I blinked hard. “Nuts?” I repeated, flabbergasted. “How does she know?”

“She always keeps a stash of nuts in her pantry. When she went to get some yesterday morning, they were missing.”

I shook my head in disbelief. Was this all it was about? I was used to getting bigger cases, like wrecks, car robberies, and the like.

“Are you serious?” I cried. “Why couldn't you have given this so-called 'case' to an amateur detective? Why me?”

“Because you're a pro, and you can figure this one out in a flash. We may need you soon to cover another case.”

I nodded my head. “Okay. I'll do my best. Is there anything else I need to know before I head to the cottage?”

“No, I suppose that is all,” he replied. “Just ask Goldi all you need to know, and she'll give you all the information she has.”

He handed me some papers and I headed out the door. When I arrived at the cottage I saw a young woman with long, beautiful golden hair standing outside. I got out of my car and greeted her nicely. She looked very nervous and her voice was shaky.

“Hello,” she said, trying to sound cheerful.

I smiled. “Miss Goldi, my name is Bo Jangle, and I'm here to investgate your case.” I then tried to reassure her. “Please don't worry; everything is going to be alright.”

She nodded and sighed. “I know I shouldn't be anxzious. I've just never had my house broken into before.”

“Well, let's get started. I'll need to ask you a few questions before I begin my search.” I reached into my pocket for a pen. “First off, I need to know what time you arrived here yesterday morning.”

“It was about eight o'clock,” she answered.

“And you saw that the door was ajar?”

“Yes. I was carrying in my bag and had the house key in my hand, and when I got to the door, it wasn't closed, and looked like it had been forced open.”

I took note of that, and then asked if she had noticed anything else out of place in the house.

“The three flour bowls were on the table, the wood stove was hot, and my chairs had been sat in.”

“How could you tell?”

“The pillows were squished,” she replied matter-of-factly. “I never squish my pillows.”

“Okay,” I said, “Let's take a look inside.” I looked at my watch and sighed. This better not take very long, I thought to myself.

Once in the cottage, I took a look at the door – obviously there had been someone break in recently. The table still displayed three rather large bowls full of blackberry porridge, now quite cold. I examined the chairs in the small living room – yes, someone had definitely squished the pillows. With a magnifying glass, I searched high and low for evidence of a robber – hair, cloth, etc. It was pretty easy, for after just a few moments, I found a chunk of coarse, brown hair stuck to the corner of one of the chair arms.

“Looks like bear hair,” I observed aloud. “Do you know any bears who live around here?” I asked. (Being in Narnia, this wasn't such a strange question to ask.)

“No, I don't. I've never met any around here, I mean. But perhaps...”

“Perhaps what?”

“Wh—wh-- what if it was a wild bear?” She was getting nervous again.

I tried to calm her. “Nonsense. Most bears in Care Paravel are tame. Have you ever encountered a wild bear?”

She shook her head.

“That's what I thought,” I said. “Now, let's take a look at that pantry.” I got up and she led me to the back of the kitchen to an open closet lined with shelves. I had been expecting a large pantry with a big door that had been practically ripped off by a mad grizzly. I chuckled at the sight of such a small excuse of a pantry.

“Are you sure you didn't throw your nuts out before you left the last time?”

“I never throw out nuts,” she said, shaking her head, her eyes wide.

“Okay. So what kind of nuts were they? Some kind of special nuts, like coconuts?”

“Oh, very special. No, not coconuts. They were cashews. They're very low in carbs, and I've been on this very special low-carb diet. I can't go one day without my cashews.”

I looked at her strangely and nodded my head. “Uh-huh, cashews. Um, okay. Tell you what: how about you just go to the store for another lock to your door, and you can get another container of cashews while you're in town.”

“But what if the thief comes back? They may want their cold porridge.”

“Who wants cold porridge that's been sitting out for at least two days? It's sure to be getting moldy by now.”

I began walking outside, getting ready to leave. I was even willing to pay for her doorknob and nuts if she'd just calm down and let me dismiss the case. But suddenly I heard something like a stick in the woods go snap!

“What was that?” I gasped, sneaking toward a pile of brush.

Just then, three bears looked out over a big bush. Their expressions showed they were just as surprised as me to see someone standing right in front of them.

“Who are you?” I asked.

The big bear spoke. “I'm Pa Bear, and this is Ma and Teddy.” He motioned his big paw at them as he introduced his family.

“We didn't know anybody lived here,” said Ma. “I hope we didn't disturb anything.”

I raised an eyebrow. “You did this? Is that your porridge inside on the table?”

Ma nodded. “We came up here last week when there was a thunderstorm. Our den was flooded, and we needed a dry place for Teddy to sleep, and we found this empty cottage and went in for shelter. When we found nobody was here, we just decided to stay. I'm sorry, but if there had been a 'No Tresspassing' sign, we woudn't have entered.”

“But why weren't you here when I came yesterday morning?” Goldi asked them.

“I made some porridge, but it was too hot to eat just yet, so we went outside to wash our paws while our breakfast cooled. Pa likes it real hot, but me and little Teddy can't eat it that way.”

I had been taking notes the whole time the bear family spoke. Everything they said seemed to make sense, and they just seemed so honest. I was sure I could trust them. But then Goldi asked a question they could not answer.

“Where are my cashews?”

Pa looked at Ma, and Ma looked at Pa. Teddy shrugged his shoulders.

“I don't remember ever seeing any cashews. Are they missing?”

Goldi put her hands on her hips. “Yes, they're missing. And I'd really appreciate it if one of you would tell me what you did with them.”

Teddy looked at her, confused. “Well, everybody knows that bears don't eat cashews.”

Goldi looked at me, dumbfounded. I grinned. “He's right, Goldi,” I said. “Bears don't eat cashews.”

“Bless you!”

We all turned and looked at one another. “Who said that?” I asked.

Just then, a squirrel leapt from a tree and landed on my shoulder.

“Bless you,” he said in a hundred-mile-an-hour high-pitched voice.

I jumped and he hopped to the ground and looked at us. “Well, didn't somebody sneeze?” he asked.

Teddy shook his head. “No, she said 'cashews'.”

“Oh! Well, speaking of nuts, I must be going. I've got to go bury mine for winter.” He turned around and began to hurry off into the woods.

“Wait!” I called.

He stopped abruptly. “Yes?”

“Did you say you've got nuts?”

He rolled his eyes and sighed quickly. “I'm a squirrel. Yes, I've got nuts. Why do you ask?”

I looked at Goldi and answered the squirrel. “Are they by any chance cashews?”

“Oh, yes! A whole bag full! I found them in – “ His big eyes grew bigger as he realized what he was saying. “I'm in a predicament here,” he said, looking at each one of us.

“You surely are,” replied Goldi, watching him closely.

In a flash the squirrel was up a tree. “I'll be back,” he called as he scampered off.

     We stood there, waiting, but only for a moment. It wasn't long before he came back with a bag nearly full with cashews. “Whose might these delicious treats belong to? You, big bear? You, mother bear? You, baby bear? You – “

     “They're mine,” Goldi interrupted, holding out her hand.

     Squirrel quickly gave her the bag, and then apologized for taking them. “I didn't think anyone lived here. If there had been a 'No Tresspassing' sign, I wouldn't have entered.”

    Goldi smiled. “Well, I suppose I need to get a sign up.” She told the animals she appreciated them not ruining her house. They promised to never again barge in when nobody was there, now that they knew someone lived in the cottage.

    She thanked me for being so helpful, and I assured her it was my pleasure.

    “All in a day's work,” I said. I told them all good-bye, and turned to leave.

      Smiling, I shook my head and laughed. I love my job.

Have a blessed day!

~Courtney